I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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