White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
