I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
