Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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