My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
