Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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