I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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