My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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