you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
