Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
