Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
