WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
