I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Randomize
