Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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