A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Everything about him screamed your future.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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