Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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