Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
