You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
