i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
