wrigley field is MILF paradise
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
