i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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