Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
