party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
