I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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