he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
