fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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