he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
