I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
