New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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