turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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