I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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