I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
