Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
