he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
