i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
