I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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