somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
