Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
