I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
