Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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