he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
