By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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