I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
