he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
