a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
