WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
