so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
