Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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