Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
