That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
