watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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